Training Matters London

Don’t make your children the victims in your divorce: 8 nightmare scenarios from the mediator’s handbook.

2012-02-11T13:36:00.000-08:00

Why do couples use their most precious possessions as ammunition?

Here’s a question for family lawyers: how many times have you been involved in a final hearing about child contact, the fight for that extra half-hour; the struggle over how the four-year-old should be ‘shared’ on Christmas day? What about couples bartering maintenance for child contact time? CAFCASS officers becoming involved, three year olds interviewed to ascertain what’s in their ‘best interests’?

Many marriages are not going to last for ever, but co-parenting will!

Helping couples create a co-parenting agreement through mediation is a solid and gratifying way forward for many parents although left until too late in the separation process, mediation is often less successful. Mediation is now more centrally positioned in legal thinking and produces excellent results. However, here are eight scenarios for divorcing parents, from the mediation caseload, about how ‘not’ to do it.

Children are resilient but not Teflon-coated…..

One parent who ‘badmouths’ the other, to the 6 year old during a contact visit.
One parent being so psychologically ‘needy’ after separation that the 10 year old feels he must look after her.
The 5 year old child feeling ‘disloyal’ to one parent if he says he enjoyed his contact day with the other.
The 8 year old finding herself in the position of covering up the fact that she has met her dad’s new girlfriend.
The screaming row, between parents, in the street when dad is 30 minutes late returning the children after contact.
The resentment from mum when dad buys new clothes for the 7 year old during her stay with him. (The clothes have ended up in the dustbin).
The fighting, and legal letters, concerning the amount of contact time that each parent ‘deserves’.
The 7 year old boy caught in the middle of a contact dispute, who is on his third round of clinical psychology for ‘anxiety and depression’

So what do children say they want?

· Love, stability and a calm atmosphere

· Mum and dad to get on better whether they’re together or apart.

· Not being asked to choose between their parents

· Not being the focal point of their parents’ battle

· Being allowed to love both their parents equally without feeling guilty, or disloyal to one.

· Being allowed to have a ‘primary’ bedroom in a ‘primary’ home with easy, stress-free access to the other parent’s home.

· Relaxed communication with one parent when staying with the other.

· To not be treated as a ‘possession’ but as a real person who will be a future adult.

· Space to communicate their worries and express their feelings about their family’s breakdown.

· Support to manage changes and come to terms with their situation.

· To feel less isolated.

Therapeutic support:

Solicitors may feel that their brief is limited to applying the law to the facts, but they are also well placed (and it is good client-care) to help divorcing parents to support their children’s emotional needs. There are excellent therapeutic organisations to which professionals can refer children going through the divorce experience. One particularly recommended is www.akidspace.co.uk. These child-therapists run talking groups for children caught up in separation and divorce. The children have often felt that no one else understands what they are going through; the group enables them to meet others who are in similar situations and are encouraged to offer peer-support and group problem-solving. One child told his father after the first group that he felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

So solicitors, barristers, mediators, therapists, relationship counsellors, let’s not sit by and watch children being torn apart; help is available. Let’s have an eye to the ‘fallout’ in divorce and support the children towards more solid ground.

For akidscape contact Emma on 07980 556174.

Jacky Lewis

Mediation Matters London

Half Day Seminar, 26th January 2012: Working Effectively with High Conflict and Strong Emotions

2012-01-16T13:52:00.000-08:00

Conflict is a part of being human yet most of us are ill equipped to deal with it. Strong emotions have a destabilising effect on the team. This half-day seminar looks at the nature of conflict and how it can be a positive factor in workplace dynamics.

The workshop will help you:

· Understand conflict and your own attitude to conflict

· Recognise and effectively manage high conflict personalities

· Understand the psychology driving those

personalities

· Give practical guidance on how to deal with high conflict and strong emotions using actor based case studies

You will also learn:

· How to spot conflict and the behaviours inherent with conflict

· Why conflict can be difficult to resolve and the factors which drive conflict

· How to move people from focusing on a fixed position to looking at mutual interests

· The stages of conflict and how to deal with these appropriately

The session is practical and eye-opening; you will develop skills and take away practical tips to put straight into practice.

Who should attend?

HR, senior managers and anyone who would like to learn how to deal with conflict better.

Date: Thursday 26 January 2012

Registration and Coffee 9.30pm

Workshop 10 -1pm

Venue: 38 Devonshire Street, London, W1G 6QB

www.seminarsthirtyeight.com

RSVP: Jacky@jackylewis.com

by 20 January 2012

COST: £125

Early bird discount £99 before 15 January

The Facilitators

Siobhan Elliott

Siobhan qualified as a solicitor in 1993. She worked for Linklaters and DLA before joining MCI WorldCom in 2000. There, she was legal director responsible for all employment related matters across Europe. Siobhan now works as a mediator and trainer, training in all aspects of employment law, diversity and management skills and mediation.

Jacky Lewis

Jacky is an existential psychotherapist, therapeutic supervisor, workplace and family mediator and Resolution Collaborative Law Family Consultant. Her field of special interest is how psychological ideas can inform legal and corporate best-practice. She is used as an expert mediator by The Official Solicitor and has a busy ADR practice. She is a visiting psychotherapy faculty lecturer. She has contributed chapters on Mediation and on Workplace Coaching to two books to be published by Palgrave MacMillan in Spring 2012.

Siobhan and Jacky enjoy working together as trainers and busy mediators. Delegates will benefit from the different across Europe. Siobhan now works as a mediator and trainer, training in all aspects of employment law, diversity and management skills and mediation.

Booking Form: Working Effectively with High Conflict and Strong Emotions

26 January 2012

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Cheques payable to: Training Matters London

Sent to 17 Woodside Avenue, London, N6 4SP

BACS payments: Barclays Bank, A/C 80734098

Ref: Your Name; Sort Code: 20-29-37

Lowering the divorce temperature: 6 things lawyers should consider!

2012-01-07T15:16:00.000-08:00

The BBC website says that January is ‘commonly acknowledged’ as the busiest month for
starting divorce proceedings. This is not news to lawyers and other professionals working in the relationship field. Shaky partnerships find it difficult to weather the intensity of togetherness at Christmas.

People enter into a marriage or Civil Partnership with the expectation that it will be ‘til death do us part’, and these days it seems this is a redundant clause. Marriage isn’t just any old contract and for many people divorce feels like the end of their hopes and dreams- the death of what ‘should have been’. For lawyers, adopting a more insightful approach to dissolving a marriage or Civil Partnership may be a helpful new way forward.

In terms of social psychology, divorce generates the broadest range of passions, and not only in the two protagonists involved. Divorce is an emotional rollercoaster that lawyers and other professionals also have to negotiate. Sometimes the passion or doggedness of the legal team gets in the way of professional clear-headedness. This is not merely some dry commercial partnership contract that’s being dissolved, this is human lives. The psychology of change, choice and loss wrapped up in the ending of a marriage can inflame the process to incendiary proportions. If solicitors and other professionals involved are perceptive and manage (perhaps talk down) the high emotions that can repeatedly be triggered in the process then things may go more smoothly. Often litigation seems like the only way forward, but going to Court on child-contact matters for example, is an unenviable task. In addition, litigants are rarely happy with the Court route; they had wanted the judge ‘to hear’ and are upset when they can’t have their say, they find that the proceedings dry and impersonal. Children matters could be settled so much more calmly in mediation or through round-table meetings.

Here are some psychological insights that will help professionals to keep the divorce temperature low and their reputations higher:

In the ending of a marriage or Civil Partnership there is often the leaver and the left. So think about:

The leaver:

She has ‘left’ the marriage some while ago in her imagination and is future-focused. She is planning a new, more liberated life. Being out of the marriage is a relief for her and holds more charms than being in it.

The Left:

The responses in the person being ‘left’ can often be those of bitterness, shame, despair and the desire for revenge. His feelings of self-esteem may have been severely challenged and the response to this can be to try in every way to restore the balance of power using any ‘weapon’ at his disposal.

Denial:

Couples are often in denial that arguing over their child contact is damaging; they are blind in their miscommunication, hurt and despair. One partner trying to wound the other by refusing, or challenging, contact can cause immeasurable psychological harm to a child at whatever age. Fighting over 30 minutes of contact time or whether the child will be allowed to meet daddy’s new partner can fill up several of the solicitor’s lever-arch files without resolution unless the underlying psychology is addressed.

Professional ‘blindness’:

Solicitors are convinced of the rightness of their client’s case. Some find themselves getting overly involved and will end up ‘fanning the flames’ of the process rather than professionally resolving it. One example is the legal one-line ‘snotty’ letter in the divorce process which elicits an equally terse one-line response, getting the couple nowhere….

Humanising the professional encounter:

If solicitors lifted the phone to each other to introduce themselves and have a short introductory conversation when they are first instructed it could have a transformatory effect on the whole case and set a better example of behaviour to the couple.

Encouragement:

If ‘reluctant’ parties in the divorce can be encouraged see that endings can also be beginnings the situation could look very different.

Lawyers place great store by good client care and the firm’s reputation is everything; it’s useful to remember that a satisfied client will tell his friends, but a dissatisfied client will tell the world!

Jacky Lewis

www.mediationmatterslondon.co.uk

Top Tips from a Top Trainer for Top Performance!

2011-12-26T09:47:00.000-08:00

Looking after your Relationship at Christmas: 10 tips for Managing the Flashpoints!

2011-12-24T16:30:00.000-08:00

It’s Christmas, everyone’s been looking forward to it for ages although your mother-in-law is coming to stay (nightmare, she can be very critical), and the kids are totally hyper.

You’re just sitting down to a well-earned glass of wine and a mince pie when your husband/partner storms in with a list of criticisms and complaints. He says the house is a ‘pigsty’, you didn’t buy enough wine and why didn’t you fill the car up with petrol… ? You go ballistic - from 0-100 in 20 seconds. You resent the fact that he has been at the office all day having an easy time whilst you have taken the day off work only to elbow your way through the supermarket with two fighting children in tow, trying to get it all done. You feel unappreciated and unfairly criticised.

You have a stand-up row in front of the kids; neither of you feels like backing down. You both end up feeling used and abused and it isn’t even Christmas yet.

Familiar, yes, and most couples usually negotiate their way through these flashpoints but if there are underlying resentments then family proximity at Christmas can make things go from bad to worse. It may feel hopeless at the time; you may feel unappreciated, taken for granted and worse, but it’s worth taking a step back to examine your couple-dynamics. Here are 10 top tips from an experienced therapist and mediator to help you win through the Christmas crises. Learn to be your own couple-therapist!

Don’t row in front of the children. They find it unsettling and frightening even if they don’t show it.
There is no point in arguing anyway. Arguing means that people turn up their personal volume and shout their views and opinions and criticisms; nothing ever moves on or gets resolved. Debate by all means, talk from your own perspective, say how you feel (but not how he or she ‘makes‘ you feel).
When people in high stress shout back louder, this often makes the other person deafer. The only thing you’ll achieve is a sore throat! Can you visualise taking off your own shoes and stepping into your partner’s? How do things look from their standpoint?
Avoid blame; be a grown-up. Blame is about not taking personal responsibility. Man up….
Remember you are a player in this story. You are co-creating the dynamic. Stop and ask yourself what your part is in the argument.
You cannot both be right but you both can have a point. Be generous and concede if your partner has a point.
Relationships function on goodwill and give and take. Avoid putting workload sharing under your personal microscope. If you feel resentful that your other half is not pulling her weight then discuss, give ideas, ask how you can support her, don’t argue.
Be a role model for your children; they are learning all the time from you and your behaviour. What sort of grown-ups do you hope they will be?
Remember what brought you together into this relationship. Hold onto it, discuss it and nurture it in rough times.
Even if your mother-in-law is staying, never criticise a person’s mother to them, you’ll never win!

Have a peaceful Christmas!

Jacky Lewis is a family mediator and existential psychotherapist.

Separation and Divorce: Doing it with Dignity or Playing Dirty?

2011-11-27T06:48:00.000-08:00

The End of the Affair:

How many separations and divorces are driven to the point of madness by despair and the desire for revenge? Working as a mediator in this field, I watch couples fight about everything from how much equity they ‘deserve’ from the matrimonial home, to who will take the fridge, to the bitterly contested 30 minutes of child-contact; it’s sometimes like watching the dying wasps of autumn hitting themselves against the windowpane….

The Children

I have found that many couples focus on disputes over contact with their children as a large part of the struggle. The turmoil of emotions stirred up by the separation and divorce often centres on this battle. Fighting over what’s in the children’s ‘best interests’ will fill up many of the lawyers’ lever-arch files. How much time with mum; how much with dad? And then resentments can result in one parent criticising the other in front of the children; one parent alienates the other, using the children as allies. Even worse, children of parents who no longer communicate with each other can be put in the psychologically damaging position of being messengers between mum and dad. This is obviously destructive; children love both parents and feel loyal to each. They find themselves walking on eggshells in this war of words.

The Dreams Die:

People go into marriage or relationship-partnership with high hopes; they dream of making their nests and having children together - the relationship dream is attractive and seductive. When reality sets in the picture can be somewhat different. Babies wake at night, each parent draws on their own early experiences to parent and parenting styles differ; sleep deprivation leads to rows. Also, mortgages need to be paid; someone has to do the shopping and the cooking. Again, resentment is a driver in this toxic mix; who is doing more childcare, housework or cooking? Who is spending more money with credit cards, on cigarettes or just on themselves? Then there is that new and attractive man at work who pays the wife/female partner attention and is a wonderful diversion, so the relationship at home starts to flounder. So what to do; stay and work on your relationship or walk away?

Here are 5 questions to help you decide whether you should stay or go:

Ask Yourself:

1. Would ending this relationship feel like a disaster or a liberation ?

2. Are you truly in love with your current partner or are you in love with the idea of the relationship, or in love with what it used to be?

3. Are you staying in this relationship because you feel it’s ‘cold out there’?

4. Do you stay because you think ‘the devil you know’ is better?

5. Have you given the relationship your best shot; do you think that a few sessions of relationship counselling might help?

And 5 tips to help you separate peacefully if that’s your choice:

1. Discuss separation openly, calmly and clearly. Agree that you’ll do it in a reasonable and composed manner, this will save you pots of money and you will preserve your on-going relationship.

2. Get yourselves to a mediator asap who will help you discuss the issues and support you through the process. You may only need a few mediation sessions.

3. If you have children, agree your separation going forward, from a child-friendly perspective. Put yourselves in your children’s positions; how would you have liked it to be done if you were a child of separating parents?

4. Devise and agree a co-parenting plan. If the children are young then do it for the first year of your separation to start with. Children need to feel safe, secure and know that solid arrangements are being made for them.

5. Choose collaboratively trained solicitors, if you can afford them, for a more ‘user-friendly’ divorce experience.

Finally:

Remember you loved each other once, at the beginning, before it all went wrong, and your children didn’t ask to be born. As parents you chose to bring the children into your lives and you’re duty-bound to do your very best for them. Tell them (together) that you still love them as much as ever, and even if daddy and mummy can’t live together, they will be central in the two separate lives you are building.

Never, ever, stop communicating as parents; your children will thank you if you can have some kind of on-going connection. There will be the school play, lost teeth, illnesses, holidays, school transfers, university, marriages and children of their own. Look to the future in your separation and divorce and ensure you can see an open pathway together.

Jacky Lewis

©Mediation Matters London: November 2011

www.mediationmatterslondon.co.uk

Training Matters London: The Role of Rapport in Creating Success!

2011-11-20T07:30:00.000-08:00

What exactly is rapport? Rapport is the skill of connecting with others in a meaningful way. ...

The Role of Rapport in Creating Success!

2011-11-20T07:16:00.000-08:00

What exactly is rapport?

Rapport is the skill of connecting with others in a meaningful way. It's evolved out of thousands of years of human development and is pivotal in human social-order. Social scientists have known for years that rapport, being in ‘synch’ with others, forms the basis of peaceful, enabling relationships. But we all know people who struggle to create rapport and we find them uncomfortable to be around. From the office junior through middle-management to the senior partner, the ability to create rapport is what matters. Businesses where rapport is honoured are nice places to work; they are also more productive and more strongly functional. Rapport is where it’s at.

Think about Dating:

Think about what it is that attracts you to a date and then what holds you in the relationship? Some people explain it by saying ‘he just gets me’. This person has the skills to be in tune with their date, he is a listener and good communicator; he is interested in his date and wants to hear about her world. You won’t feel judged or awkward around this date, you’ll feel comfortable and yourself. Well business is not much different. Team members need to listen to each other and have an interest in the world of their colleagues; managers and partners need to connect and listen. People are happier in the workplace when they feel important and ‘cared for’; that their contribution makes a difference. Rapport has a strong role to play in making work a place where rapport makes people feel they want to contribute.

But can you learn it?

If you are a person that feels they want to check out their rapport skills, you are half way there! People who are keen to gain personal insight are people who are open to growth and change. This personal openness to change is fundamental to learning new skills in creating rapport. It takes courage to do things differently and to self-challenge, but you will reap the benefits and find people seeking you out to do more business with you or just to chill with you! What follows are a few simple questions on the rapport-ometer to check yourself out.

10 Top Rapport Tips:

Do you set out to create rapport from your first introduction to someone? A good handshake and a strong level of confidence means you’ll create rapport and people will remember you. Confidence is contagious…
Are you ‘super-sensitised’ to what other people may think of you? This is disabling and will prevent you from creating rapport. Remember people are more likely to form positive opinions from the outset so make sure they see you in a positive light. Set out by assuming they like you. It’s not difficult to do.
How is your handshake? Check out your handshake; ask your friends- get some feedback. Are you a bone-crusher? Wet fish? Offer your hand to ‘kiss’?
Are you ‘self-obsessed’? Be more interested in other people and less interested in yourself.
Do you remember the troubles that other people may have shared with you in the past? Ensure a better level of rapport by asking how things are going now.
How many words do you use? Listen more and talk less; if you feel the need to interrupt take at least one extra breath!
Do you ask useful questions? Ask open questions, yes- even in business. ‘Tell me some more about…’; ‘what did you feel about that…’
Do you have good communication skills? Sometimes it can be very helpful to create rapport by summing up what the person has said; they will feel that you have really listened to them.
Are you socially-competitive? Avoid matching/topping a story you have been told with one of your own, this is tedious and the person will feel less ‘special’. Stay with their story. Ask a couple of questions about it.
Are you self-aware? Become more aware of the reactions of others when you launch into a story; are they interested? Are they bored? Become more attuned to ensure rapport.

Finally:

We humans are social animals and our brains are wired to socially connect (and attune) with others. Don’t let lack of confidence get in the way of establishing good rapport. Make personal changes now! Ensure you have a good level of rapport by following the 10 top tips above and keep on learning; you’ll see the difference.

Jacky Lewis at Training Matters London: www.trainingmatterslondon.co.uk teaches a wide variety of courses in professional development skills. She is a busy trainer, coach and mediator.

Performance Reviews: DO IT BETTER.

2011-11-04T06:38:00.000-07:00

A half – day skills seminar and networking opportunity.

Performance reviews are an essential part of a manager’s role. However, many of us fear and even dread them.

This workshop will enable you to carry out performance reviews effectively and efficiently. Most importantly, it will enable you to motivate and drive performance upwards using a better review process.

The workshop will help you:

· appraise people fairly

· deliver difficult messages to resistant personalities

· encourage and motivate good performers

· unify your team to achieve a common goal

· facilitate change within the team

You will also learn how to:

· really listen to and hear the messages you are being given

· be a flash-point manager

· deal with stress – both yours and other people’s

· recognise your own sub-conscious bias

The session is both extremely practical and eye-opening. You will develop skills and take away practical tips to put straight into practice.

Who should attend?

HR, senior managers and anyone who would like to learn better appraisal skills.

Date:
Thursday 1 December 2011

Registration and Coffee 9.30pm

Workshop 10 -1pm

Venue: 38 Devonshire Street, London, W1G 6QB

www.seminarsthirtyeight.com

RSVP:
jacky@jackylewis.com by 23 November

COST:

£125 early bird discount £99 before November 15

Cheques payable to: Training Matters London

Sent to 17 Woodside Avenue, London, N6 4SP

BACS payments: Barclays Bank, A/C 80734098

Ref: Your Name; Sort Code: 20-29-37

The Facilitators

Siobhan Elliott

Jacky Lewis

Siobhan and Jacky enjoy working together as trainers and busy mediators. Delegates will benefit from the different perspectives their backgrounds bring.

How good a leader are you? 10 leadership tips you should know.

2011-10-22T15:11:00.000-07:00

At TRAINING MATTERS LONDON I work in law firms, barristers' chambers and corporate organisations and I'm often asked to coach people in leadership roles. This can mean working at any level from the secretary who has been promoted to team-leader, up to the senior partner of a multi-national. So what are the secrets of getting the very best out the people you manage? We all have our own styles of engaging with others but there are interesting and useful 'add on's' that can help you move on from functioning as an ok manager to becoming the inspirational leader whom people want to follow.
The psychology and emotions of leadership are an important area to explore and understand.
Don’t forget, poor leadership results in:
•   Time and money lost in missed opportunities.
•   An uninspired, flattened, demotivated team.
•   A poor internal and external reputation for the organisation.
•   Grievances.
•   Litigation and Employment Tribunals.
So here are some tips to help you think about how your personality and leadership-style help (or hinder) you.
10 top tips from a top coach to top up your leadership skills:
1. Remember the importance of rapport; humans have evolved over thousands of years to function by means of good rapport; how good are you at creating rapport in your team or with your fellow managers? Get feedback from you friends; challenge any pre-conceived ideas about needing to hold back from connecting with people. Everybody likes to feel respected and special; how do you do this?
2. Do you let your personal dislikes affect your vision and judgment of others? Be honest; write down the personality-traits you find difficult in other people. Is there someone in your team who fits this bill? We look at life through a ‘template’ of our past experiences; perhaps this person reminds you of a negative figure from your past? Discuss this with your friends, coach or workplace mentor; this worldview is costly and something you need to challenge in yourself.
3. How does your team see you? Are you giving them responsibility or are you from the ’it’s quicker to do it myself’ school of leadership? This wastes time and means you’re not developing others. What happens if you’re off work with ‘flu’ for two weeks; who’s going to take up the slack?
4. What’s your style of leadership? Are you a Dictator? Enabler? Disabler? Motivator? Collegiate? Approachable? Unapproachable? Do you have an open-door style of leadership? Talk to trusted colleagues, think it through. Get some insight and some training from TRAINING MATTERS LONDON!
5. People like to be involved and engaged. If you are delegating a small piece of work, do you tell people in your team where this fits into the bigger picture? People don’t like to feel like a small cog in a wheel, they like to feel they are making a meaningful contribution.
6. Is your cup half-full or half-empty? The leader who has poor self-image or a depressed attitude will communicate this to all around them. Remember, humans are wired in such a way that emotions are contagious. 90% of communication is non-verbal. Do you need help or support yourself; perhaps a mentor or counselling? Search out some good self-development space to feel better about yourself.
7. Good leaders are aware of the stress levels in themselves and in their team-members. If you are under the cosh, is this because you’re not delegating appropriately, or failing to shape your team or not using people to best effect? Get a grip on some stress management techniques, at TRAINING MATTERS LONDON we’ll show you how. Learn some ‘desktop imagery’ or yoga relaxation. How is your work-life balance?
8. How clear is your model of communication? Unclear communicating (and listening) is expensive and makes people around you feel anxious. Do you shout out instructions to others whilst walking down the corridor? This is a leadership disaster waiting to happen. People will get it wrong!! Encourage people to sum up your instructions and challenge you if they’re not clear. Unclear instructions can (and have) cost organisations millions of pounds!
9. Don’t forget the importance of praise and constructive (not punishing) feedback. Do you review team-members’ performances regularly? Do people know where they are with you? TRAINING MATTERS LONDON delivers excellent Performance Review training.
10. Finally, if your leadership is impressive then people will trust and respect you. Research shows that trust is the most important component of good, effective leadership.

Good leadership training will help you to be the best you can be!
Jacky Lewis
Training Matters London

Training Matters

2011-10-21T03:33:00.000-07:00