Going Nuclear: The Divorce Arms Race

Getting separated or divorced? Few people like the idea of litigation but perhaps there is a large pot of money involved, or disputed arrangements for children? The temptation is to head for the 'best' lawyer, which might mean seeking out the senior family partner in a prestigious law firm.   It goes without saying that your wife will feel she needs to do the same; parity is everything.  But does it have to be like this?  Do high net worth couples have to go nuclear when getting divorced? What follows are 10 top tips for getting divorced without joining the Arms Race.    

1. Ask around your friends for recommendations; who has had a 'good' divorce experience? Get the name of the firm.

2. Have your solicitors lifted up the phone to introduce themselves to each other at the outset of your matter? Ask them.

3. If you have children, is your lawyer keeping them at the forefront of the case?

4. Do your lawyers adopt a 'problem-solving' tone or do they communicate using snotty one-line letters? (Always remember a snotty one-line letter often receives an abrupt one-liner in reply and so your case builds up and explodes like a mushroom cloud into the stratosphere).

5. Avoid statements like ‘I’ll see you in court’; court is a very uncertain process, you will have little say and less control on the day, and you will rarely get what you really want.

6. Court can badly damage co-parenting relationships

7. Has your solicitor suggested Collaborative divorce or mediation? Have they talked to you about the support a Family Consultant can provide?

8. What about mediation? Have you had the process explained in detail to you? How about phoning a mediator to have a chat? Perhaps a couple of mediation meetings could help you with one element of your case- say devising a shared residence plan for your children. Good mediators will work in tandem with your lawyers, keeping them in the loop as agreement progresses.

9.  Are you looking after yourself (and your children) through your divorce? Would coaching/counselling/meditation/yoga/ a therapeutic talking group for your kids, help?

10. Has your solicitor talked to you about the shape of your life when you get through divorce? Everything in life changes and moves on, and endings when ‘reframed’ can be beautiful, authentic new beginnings.

            

            So avoid a solicitor with their finger on the red button, going nuclear is not the 
            answer; there are better ways to end your relationship.

Women Returners: Making that transition: 10 Top Tips to ease you back into the world of work.

You’ve had a baby six months ago; you have a toddler or even two; you want to get back into the fray of work but feel your confidence is at low ebb.  The agreement with your husband/partner was that you’d go back after 6 months, after all it takes two of you to pay the mortgage.  Then you ask yourself what you have to offer to the world of work, what would you talk about?  Your brain is fried with gigglebiz and teletubbies…  Well, think again- you can do it!  All it takes is a bit of forward planning and a stronger level of self-belief. But make sure you have your contingency planning in place; life is full of pitfalls for new mum-returners, things can be uncertain. However, if you are the woman who promised herself that she would not vegetate at home, that she would further her career as she brought up her family, here’s 10 top tips from an experienced career woman and mum (with grown-up children), to ease you back into work:

1. Plan your return, involve your husband/partner/best friend/mum, talk to your employer, are you agreed on timescales? Days? Hours? Clarify, clarify.
2. If you’re breastfeeding plan your weaning carefully; get advice from your health visitor or other trusted mums.  You don’t want to traumatise yourself or the baby by sudden feeding withdrawal. Keep on an early morning and night time feed for quick baby-soothing in the middle of the night.
3. Agree an achievable (and friendly) rota with your partner for getting up to a crying baby in the night and stick to it.  Avoid the ‘it’s easier to do it myself’, mentality.
4. Don’t wear your best work suit around a sticky baby for that last kiss in the morning; get real…. and think about the mum-returner whose 10 month baby was learning to walk and made a hole in her tights as he pulled himself up to stand, just as she was running out of the door for an important early-morning meeting.
5. If you are vacillating about going back to work, write a pro’s and con’s list.  Make sure you really want to do it- depression and longing for your baby are toxic things. Do you need to leave it a little longer?
6. Is your employer mummy-friendly? Can you ease in slowly? Or does your organisation like new mums to go back 24/7?  Your salary will positively reflect a 5 day, long-hours working schedule but is this you want? If it is that’s fine, if not then get real with yourself.
7. Can you do any of your work from home? Have you checked this out with your employer? Give them a list of the financial advantages to them of you working some days from home; make sure they see the ‘£’ signs. If you want it badly then make it happen.
8. How robust is your fall-back child-care plan? Will you be using a child-minder? How many children do they care for?  What happens if someone gets chickenpox at nursery? Who will look after your toddler if they are off-colour? How quickly can you access support in the morning? Do you rely on a nanny; what happens if she gets the ‘flu’?
9. How will you look after yourself?  Can you fit in some ‘me’ time? This is important if you’re not to burn out. The mum who boomerangs between child minder, home and the office will have little creative thinking to offer her job.  Make sure you get a little time to have your haircut or even allow yourself a quick ‘child-free’ coffee on the way home.  Look after your own batteries; care for yourself.
10. Choose a role-model and analyse her; how does she do it? Notice how she dresses; how she impresses others at work; how she manages her family; demonstrates her level of confidence.  What could you take from her example? Think about the personal changes you could make to your own style of thinking and level of assurance.  Perhaps you could do with some self-challenge; is your thinking ‘self-limiting’?

Finally remember, belief that you can achieve has a strong, positive effect on those around you and opens out your own possibilities for achievement.  Confidence is contagious.

Jacky Lewis

www.trainingmatterslondon.co.uk

Please note our NEW seminar venue for 'Working Professionally with High Conflict and Strong Emotions' on Wednesday March 21st 10-1.00, is now at: In Tuition, 210 Borough High Street, London SE1 1JX!!!! All welcome!

Don’t make your children the victims in your divorce: 8 nightmare scenarios from the mediator’s handbook.

Why do couples use their most precious possessions as ammunition?

Here’s a question for family lawyers: how many times have you been involved in a final hearing about child contact, the fight for that extra half-hour; the struggle over how the four-year-old should be ‘shared’ on Christmas day? What about couples bartering maintenance for child contact time? CAFCASS officers becoming involved, three year olds interviewed to ascertain what’s in their ‘best interests’?

Many marriages are not going to last for ever, but co-parenting will!

Helping couples create a co-parenting agreement through mediation is a solid and gratifying way forward for many parents although left until too late in the separation process, mediation is often less successful. Mediation is now more centrally positioned in legal thinking and produces excellent results. However, here are eight scenarios for divorcing parents, from the mediation caseload, about how ‘not’ to do it.

Children are resilient but not Teflon-coated…..

1. One parent who ‘badmouths’ the other, to the 6 year old during a contact visit.
2. One parent being so psychologically ‘needy’ after separation that the 10 year old feels he must look after her.
3. The 5 year old child feeling ‘disloyal’ to one parent if he says he enjoyed his contact day with the other.
4. The 8 year old finding herself in the position of covering up the fact that she has met her dad’s new girlfriend.
5. The screaming row, between parents, in the street when dad is 30 minutes late returning the children after contact.
6. The resentment from mum when dad buys new clothes for the 7 year old during her stay with him. (The clothes have ended up in the dustbin).
7. The fighting, and legal letters, concerning the amount of contact time that each parent ‘deserves’.
8. The 7 year old boy caught in the middle of a contact dispute, who is on his third round of clinical psychology for ‘anxiety and depression’

So what do children say they want?

· Love, stability and a calm atmosphere

· Mum and dad to get on better whether they’re together or apart.

· Not being asked to choose between their parents

· Not being the focal point of their parents’ battle

· Being allowed to love both their parents equally without feeling guilty, or disloyal to one.

· Being allowed to have a ‘primary’ bedroom in a ‘primary’ home with easy, stress-free access to the other parent’s home.

· Relaxed communication with one parent when staying with the other.

· To not be treated as a ‘possession’ but as a real person who will be a future adult.

· Space to communicate their worries and express their feelings about their family’s breakdown.

· Support to manage changes and come to terms with their situation.

· To feel less isolated.

Therapeutic support:

Solicitors may feel that their brief is limited to applying the law to the facts, but they are also well placed (and it is good client-care) to help divorcing parents to support their children’s emotional needs. There are excellent therapeutic organisations to which professionals can refer children going through the divorce experience. One particularly recommended is www.akidspace.co.uk. These child-therapists run talking groups for children caught up in separation and divorce. The children have often felt that no one else understands what they are going through; the group enables them to meet others who are in similar situations and are encouraged to offer peer-support and group problem-solving. One child told his father after the first group that he felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

So solicitors, barristers, mediators, therapists, relationship counsellors, let’s not sit by and watch children being torn apart; help is available. Let’s have an eye to the ‘fallout’ in divorce and support the children towards more solid ground.

For akidscape contact Emma on 07980 556174.

Jacky Lewis

Mediation Matters London

Half Day Seminar, 21st March 2012: Working Professionally with High Conflict and Strong Emotions

Conflict is a part of being human and strong emotions have a destabilising effect on others both in the workplace and in your private life!.  This half-day seminar looks at the nature of conflict and how it can be resolved in more human way.

The workshop will help you:

·         Understand conflict and your own attitude to conflict

·         Recognise and effectively manage high conflict personalities

·         Understand the psychology driving challenging

personalities

·         Give practical guidance on how to deal with high conflict and strong emotions using actor based case studies

You will also learn:

·         How to spot conflict and the behaviours inherent with conflict

·         How to move people from focusing on a fixed position to looking at mutual interests

·         The stages of conflict and how to deal with these appropriately 
·         How to 'fix' conflict in your public and private life!

The session is practical and eye-opening; you will develop skills and take away practical tips to put straight into practice.

Who should attend?

HR, lawyers, senior managers and anyone who would like to learn how to deal withworplace and private-life  conflict better.

Date: Wednesday 21 March 2012

Registration and Coffee 9.30pm

Workshop 10 -1pm

Venue: In Tuition, 210 Borough High Street, London, SE1 1JX

www.intuition.co.uk

RSVP: Jacky@jackylewis.com

COST:  £125

Early bird discount 

The Facilitators

Siobhan Elliott

Siobhan qualified as a solicitor in 1993. She worked for Linklaters and DLA before joining MCI WorldCom in 2000. There, she was legal director responsible for all employment related matters ac Siobhan Elliott

Siobhan qualified as a solicitor in 1993. She worked for Linklaters and DLA before joining MCI WorldCom in 2000. There, she was legal director responsible for all employment related matters across Europe.  Siobhan now works as a mediator and trainer, training in all aspects of employment law, diversity and management skills and mediation. 

Jacky Lewis

Jacky is an existential psychotherapist, therapeutic supervisor, workplace and family mediator and Resolution Collaborative Law Family Consultant. Her field of special interest is how psychological ideas can inform legal and corporate best-practice. She is used as an expert mediator by The Official Solicitor and has a busy ADR practice.  She is a visiting psychotherapy faculty lecturer. She has contributed chapters on Mediation and on Workplace Coaching to two books to be published by Palgrave MacMillan in Spring 2012.  

Siobhan and Jacky enjoy working together as trainers and busy mediators.  Delegates will benefit from the different across Europe.  Siobhan now works as a mediator and trainer, training in all aspects of employment law, diversity and management skills and mediation. 

Booking Form: Working Effectively with High Conflict and Strong Emotions

 

21 March 2012

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First Name:
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Cheques payable to: Training Matters London

Sent to 17 Woodside Avenue, London, N6 4SP

BACS payments: Barclays Bank, A/C 80734098

Ref: Your Name; Sort Code: 20-29-37

Lowering the divorce temperature: 6 things lawyers should consider!

The BBC website says that January is ‘commonly acknowledged’ as the busiest month for 
 starting divorce proceedings.  This is not news to lawyers and other professionals working in the relationship field.  Shaky partnerships find it difficult to weather the intensity of togetherness at Christmas.  

People enter into a marriage or Civil Partnership with the expectation that it will be ‘til death do us part’, and these days it seems this is a redundant clause.  Marriage isn’t just any old contract and for many people divorce feels like the end of their hopes and dreams- the death of what ‘should have been’.   For lawyers, adopting a more insightful approach to dissolving a marriage or Civil Partnership may be a helpful new way forward.    

In terms of social psychology, divorce generates the broadest range of passions, and not only in the two protagonists involved. Divorce is an emotional rollercoaster that lawyers and other professionals also have to negotiate. Sometimes the passion or doggedness of the legal team gets in the way of professional clear-headedness.  This is not merely some dry commercial partnership contract that’s being dissolved, this is human lives.  The psychology of change, choice and loss wrapped up in the ending of a marriage can inflame the process to incendiary proportions.  If solicitors and other professionals involved are perceptive and manage (perhaps talk down) the high emotions that can repeatedly be triggered in the process then things may go more smoothly.  Often litigation seems like the only way forward, but going to Court on child-contact matters for example, is an unenviable task.  In addition, litigants are rarely happy with the Court route; they had wanted the judge ‘to hear’ and are upset when they can’t have their say, they find that the proceedings dry and impersonal.  Children matters could be settled so much more calmly in mediation or through round-table meetings.   

Here are some psychological insights that will help professionals to keep the divorce temperature low and their reputations higher:

In the ending of a marriage or Civil Partnership there is often the leaver and the left.  So think about:

1. The leaver:

She has ‘left’ the marriage some while ago in her imagination and is future-focused. She is planning a new, more liberated life.  Being out of the marriage is a relief for her and holds more charms than being in it.

2. The Left:

The responses in the person being ‘left’ can often be those of bitterness, shame, despair and the desire for revenge.  His feelings of self-esteem may have been severely challenged and the response to this can be to try in every way to restore the balance of power using any ‘weapon’ at his disposal.

3. Denial:

Couples are often in denial that arguing over their child contact is damaging; they are blind in their miscommunication, hurt and despair.  One partner trying to wound the other by refusing, or challenging, contact can cause immeasurable psychological harm to a child at whatever age.  Fighting over 30 minutes of contact time or whether the child will be allowed to meet daddy’s new partner can fill up several of the solicitor’s lever-arch files without resolution unless the underlying psychology is addressed.

4. Professional ‘blindness’:

Solicitors are convinced of the rightness of their client’s case. Some find themselves getting overly involved and will end up ‘fanning the flames’ of the process rather than professionally resolving it.  One example is the legal one-line ‘snotty’ letter in the divorce process which elicits an equally terse one-line response, getting  the couple nowhere….

5. Humanising the professional encounter:

If solicitors lifted the phone to each other to introduce themselves and have a short introductory conversation when they are first instructed it could have a transformatory effect on the whole case and set a better example of behaviour to the couple.

6. Encouragement:

If ‘reluctant’ parties in the divorce can be encouraged see that endings can also be beginnings the situation could look very different.

Lawyers place great store by good client care and the firm’s reputation is everything; it’s useful to remember that a satisfied client will tell his friends, but a dissatisfied client will tell the world!

Jacky Lewis

www.mediationmatterslondon.co.uk

Top Tips from a Top Trainer for Top Performance!