Separation and Divorce: Doing it with Dignity or Playing Dirty?

The End of the Affair:

How many separations and divorces are driven to the point of madness by despair and the desire for revenge?  Working as a mediator in this field, I watch couples fight about everything from how much equity they ‘deserve’ from the matrimonial home, to who will take the fridge, to the bitterly contested 30 minutes of child-contact; it’s sometimes like watching the dying wasps of autumn hitting themselves against the windowpane….

The Children

I have found that many couples focus on disputes over contact with their children as a large part of the struggle.  The turmoil of emotions stirred up by the separation and divorce often centres on this battle.  Fighting over what’s in the children’s ‘best interests’ will fill up many of the lawyers’ lever-arch files.  How much time with mum; how much with dad?  And then resentments can result in one parent criticising the other in front of the children; one parent alienates the other, using the children as allies.  Even worse, children of parents who no longer communicate with each other can be put in the psychologically damaging position of being messengers between mum and dad.  This is obviously destructive; children love both parents and feel loyal to each.  They find themselves walking on eggshells in this war of words.

The Dreams Die:

People go into marriage or relationship-partnership with high hopes; they dream of making their nests and having children together - the relationship dream is attractive and seductive.  When reality sets in the picture can be somewhat different.   Babies wake at night, each parent draws on their own early experiences to parent and parenting styles differ; sleep deprivation leads to rows.  Also, mortgages need to be paid; someone has to do the shopping and the cooking.  Again, resentment is a driver in this toxic mix; who is doing more childcare, housework or cooking? Who is spending more money with credit cards, on cigarettes or just on themselves? Then there is that new and attractive man at work who pays the wife/female partner attention and is a wonderful diversion, so the relationship at home starts to flounder.  So what to do; stay and work on your relationship or walk away?

Here are 5 questions to help you decide whether you should stay or go: 

Ask Yourself:

1.      Would ending this relationship feel like a disaster or a liberation ?

2.      Are you truly in love with your current partner or are you in love with the idea of the relationship, or in love with what it used to be?

3.      Are you staying in this relationship because you feel it’s ‘cold out there’?

4.      Do you stay because you think ‘the devil you know’ is better?

5.      Have you given the relationship your best shot; do you think that a few sessions of relationship counselling might help?

And 5 tips to help you separate peacefully if that’s your choice:

1.      Discuss separation openly, calmly and clearly.  Agree that you’ll do it in a reasonable and composed manner, this will save you pots of money and you will preserve your on-going relationship.

2.      Get yourselves to a mediator asap who will help you discuss the issues and support you through the process.  You may only need a few mediation sessions.

3.      If you have children, agree your separation going forward, from a child-friendly perspective. Put yourselves in your children’s positions; how would you have liked it to be done if you were a child of separating parents?

4.      Devise and agree a co-parenting plan. If the children are young then do it for the first year of your separation to start with. Children need to feel safe, secure and know that solid arrangements are being made for them.

5.      Choose collaboratively trained solicitors, if you can afford them, for a more ‘user-friendly’ divorce experience.

Finally:

Remember you loved each other once, at the beginning, before it all went wrong, and your children didn’t ask to be born. As parents you chose to bring the children into your lives and you’re duty-bound to do your very best for them.  Tell them (together) that you still love them as much as ever, and even if daddy and mummy can’t live together, they will be central in the two separate lives you are building.

Never, ever, stop communicating as parents; your children will thank you if you can have some kind of on-going connection.  There will be the school play, lost teeth, illnesses, holidays, school transfers, university, marriages and children of their own.  Look to the future in your separation and divorce and ensure you can see an open pathway together.

Jacky Lewis

©Mediation Matters London: November 2011

www.mediationmatterslondon.co.uk

Training Matters London: The Role of Rapport in Creating Success!

What exactly is rapport? Rapport is the skill of connecting with others in a meaningful way. ...

The Role of Rapport in Creating Success!

What exactly is rapport?

Rapport is the skill of connecting with others in a meaningful way.  It's evolved out of thousands of years of human development and is pivotal in human social-order.  Social scientists have known for years that rapport, being in ‘synch’ with others, forms the basis of peaceful, enabling relationships. But we all know people who struggle to create rapport and we find them uncomfortable to be around.  From the office junior through middle-management to the senior partner, the ability to create rapport is what matters.  Businesses where rapport is honoured are nice places to work; they are also more productive and more strongly functional.  Rapport is where it’s at.

Think about Dating:

Think about what it is that attracts you to a date and then what holds you in the relationship?  Some people explain it by saying ‘he just gets me’.  This person has the skills to be in tune with their date, he is a listener and good communicator; he is interested in his date and wants to hear about her world.  You won’t feel judged or awkward around this date, you’ll feel comfortable and yourself.  Well business is not much different.  Team members need to listen to each other and have an interest in the world of their colleagues; managers and partners need to connect and listen.  People are happier in the workplace when they feel important and ‘cared for’; that their contribution makes a difference. Rapport has a strong role to play in making work a place where rapport makes people feel they want to contribute.

But can you learn it?

If you are a person that feels they want to check out their rapport skills, you are half way there!  People who are keen to gain personal insight are people who are open to growth and change.  This personal openness to change is fundamental to learning new skills in creating rapport.  It takes courage to do things differently and to self-challenge, but you will reap the benefits and find people seeking you out to do more business with you or just to chill with you!  What follows are a few simple questions on the rapport-ometer to check yourself out.

10 Top Rapport Tips:

1. Do you set out to create rapport from your first introduction to someone? A good handshake and a strong level of confidence means you’ll create rapport and people will remember you. Confidence is contagious…
2. Are you ‘super-sensitised’ to what other people may think of you? This is disabling and will prevent you from creating rapport.  Remember people are more likely to form positive opinions from the outset so make sure they see you in a positive light.  Set out by assuming they like you. It’s not difficult to do.
3. How is your handshake? Check out your handshake; ask your friends- get some feedback. Are you a bone-crusher? Wet fish? Offer your hand to ‘kiss’?
4. Are you ‘self-obsessed’? Be more interested in other people and less interested in yourself.
5. Do you remember the troubles that other people may have shared with you in the past?  Ensure a better level of rapport by asking how things are going now.
6. How many words do you use? Listen more and talk less; if you feel the need to interrupt take at least one extra breath!
7. Do you ask useful questions? Ask open questions, yes- even in business. ‘Tell me some more about…’; ‘what did you feel about that…’
8. Do you have good communication skills? Sometimes it can be very helpful to create rapport by summing up what the person has said; they will feel that you have really listened to them.
9. Are you socially-competitive? Avoid matching/topping a story you have been told with one of your own, this is tedious and the person will feel less ‘special’. Stay with their story. Ask a couple of questions about it.
10. Are you self-aware? Become more aware of the reactions of others when you launch into a story; are they interested? Are they bored? Become more attuned to ensure rapport.

Finally:

We humans are social animals and our brains are wired to socially connect (and attune) with others.  Don’t let lack of confidence get in the way of establishing good rapport. Make personal changes now!  Ensure you have a good level of rapport by following the 10 top tips above and keep on learning; you’ll see the difference.

Jacky Lewis at Training Matters London: www.trainingmatterslondon.co.uk teaches a wide variety of courses in professional development skills. She is a busy trainer, coach and mediator.

Performance Reviews: DO IT BETTER.

A half – day skills seminar and networking opportunity.

Performance reviews are an essential part of a manager’s role.  However, many of us fear and even dread them.

This workshop will enable you to carry out performance reviews effectively and efficiently.  Most importantly, it will enable you to motivate and drive performance upwards using a better review process. 

The workshop will help you:

·         appraise people fairly

·         deliver difficult messages to resistant personalities

·         encourage and motivate good performers

·         unify your team to achieve a common goal

·         facilitate change within the team

You will also learn how to:

·         really listen to and hear the messages you are being given

·         be a flash-point manager

·         deal with stress – both yours and other people’s

·         recognise your own sub-conscious bias

.

The session is both extremely practical and eye-opening.   You will develop skills and take away practical tips to put straight into practice.

Who should attend?

HR, senior managers and anyone who would like to learn better appraisal skills.

Date: 
Thursday 1 December 2011

Registration and Coffee 9.30pm

Workshop 10 -1pm

Venue: 38 Devonshire Street, London, W1G 6QB

www.seminarsthirtyeight.com 

RSVP:
jacky@jackylewis.com     by 23 November

COST:  

£125 early bird discount £99 before November 15

Cheques payable to: Training Matters London

Sent to 17 Woodside Avenue, London, N6 4SP

BACS payments: Barclays Bank, A/C 80734098

Ref: Your Name; Sort Code: 20-29-37

The Facilitators

 

Siobhan Elliott

Siobhan qualified as a solicitor in 1993. She worked for Linklaters and DLA before joining MCI WorldCom in 2000. There, she was legal director responsible for all employment related matters across Europe.  Siobhan now works as a mediator and trainer, training in all aspects of employment law, diversity and management skills and mediation. 

Jacky Lewis

Jacky is an existential psychotherapist, therapeutic supervisor, workplace and family mediator and Resolution Collaborative Law Family Consultant. Her field of special interest is how psychological ideas can inform legal and corporate best-practice. She is used as an expert mediator by The Official Solicitor and has a busy ADR practice.  She is a visiting psychotherapy faculty lecturer. She has contributed chapters on Mediation and on Workplace Coaching to two books to be published by Palgrave MacMillan in Spring 2012. 

Siobhan and Jacky enjoy working together as trainers and busy mediators.  Delegates will benefit from the different perspectives their backgrounds bring.